Baby

My little princess:

quote

"Poverty, in part is about having no money, but it's more than that. It's about being isolated, unsupported, uneducated and unwanted. Poor people want to be included and not just judged and 'rescued' at times of crisis"
-Tim Keller in Ministries of Mercy

Sacred Space Promo

Comments anyone? :-)

Inspiration from "The Music Man"

Today I went and watched Marymount School's Fifth Grade production of the Music Man. It was surprisingly well done! Anyways, I found this line inspiring and wanted to share it here:

"You pile up enough tomorrows,

and you'll find you are left with nothing but a lot of empty yesterdays.

I don't know about you,

but I'd like to make today worth remembering."

Prayer of Abandonment

I stumbled across this prayer coincidentally and could not believe how well it captured my own sentiments. Written by Thomas Merton, here it is:

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
and that I think I am following your will
does not mean I am actually doing so.

But I believe the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing.

I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.

I will trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear,
for you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.

Lights, Camera, Action

Here are a few shots from Heschle Video Production's latest work on a documentary about church planting. See the blog for more.

God does not exist to do things for me.

And prayer is not a magic genie.

I can be in relationship with Him, I can present my requests to Him, but ultimately it is up to God how to answer. He will do what is best, and He determines what is best.

I need to stop trying to push my own agenda or how I want things to be, and to accept what God has and to follow Him.

Discouragement

I ought to sleep, but I need to write. Even if no one ever reads this. :-)

Today was a hard day. Hard not so much because of what happened (although that was a bit tough) but more because of the discouragement that accompanied what happened. Oh discouragement. It sucks the life out of you, and then plagues you with thoughts you wish would go away.

My poor baby girl has been sick for the last week. She has a nasty cough that frequently results in vomitting because her little system can't seem to kick the phlem (sp?) out in any other way. It's rough. Every time she starts to cough, I feel myself tense up and want to cry. Please baby, please don't suffer, please don't throw up. I get angry at this cough, at sickness, at germs. It makes me mad. I've never felt such a fierce feeling, such a deep gut-wrenching desire to take her pain and hurt on myself so that she doesn't have to feel it or to go through it. If the cough were an object, I would beat it senseless.

Such a helpless feeling: to watch her cough, to try everything in my power to help her body calm down, to see her look in my eyes pleading as if to say "Mom, please, help me", to be unable to do anything, and then to watch as vomit spews from her mouth, all over me and anything else nearby. oh, it is hard.

And hard not to become discouraged.

This I cling to: God has a plan for her life. He created her, not I. And He loves her more than I. He is holding her more closely than I. Her life is not something I can cling to--it belongs to God. We know that, and we included that in her name. She is consecrated to God, set apart for Him. And though I don't know the future, I have to trust Him and find my hope in Him--not in medicine or in positive thinking, but in God himself.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

This verse (from the book of Joshua) is encouraging, because it is not an option. It is a command. And it is reassuring when it comes to finances. The economy is hard these days. It seems that plenty of people want videos, but no one wants to pay for them.

Wrap Top

When we found out we were expecting a girl, both of us were surprised. We "had a feeling" it was a boy. Making this for baby Layla helped me switch mental gears and get excited for her arrival... :-)



The pattern is by Claire Montgomerie, published in Easy Baby Knits. And the yarn is Araucania Ulmo, purchased from Loop & Leaf, in Santa Barbara.

Unselfishness vs. Selflessness

Today I am contemplating the difference between unselfishness and selflessness. One is proactive and the other is reactive. Being unselfish involves me initially being selfish and then trying to tell myself "no, don't think that, don't be that way." Like when my baby girl keeps waking me up through the night because she's having a hard time breathing because of her congested nose and throat, and I am just wanting to sleep but then I tell myself "it's more important to make sure she can breathe, stop being so selfish!" And then I start getting grumpy because all I really want is to sleep and so I get annoyed with whatever is standing in my way. Because I'm being selfish, and then feeling guilty about it, and then trying to be unselfish. But my heart isn't in it at all. My heart is looking out for myself.

Selflessness is when my heart is wanting what's best for someone else. And if I "suffer" as a result, it doesn't matter as long as the other person is better off. And so I am happy to be awake in the middle of the night to make sure my daughter can breathe, even if it means I am significantly sleep deprived and exhausted. And that I will continue to be kind to those around me, because it is not their fault I am tired and I should not take it out on them.

Those are my musings for the day.

In need of a haircut

I need a haircut.
Any style ideas and/or places to get one?

oak

source

Look at the oak tree on this hill. See how beautiful it is? And yet it never toils or frets or labors for its beautiful clothing, even though it is here today and gone tomorrow. You are much more valuable than a tree. How much more will God clothe you? You have such little faith.

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own.

Second Realization of Motherhood

You know you're a mom when another person throws up all over you, and your first thought is, "Is she okay?"

Poor baby...hasn't been feeling very good the past few days. Lots of coughing, today one episode culminated in emptying her stomach's contents all over me and the couch. Now I know how much her stomach can hold. And it's rather a lot.

Before I disgust everyone, I shall leave it at that. :-)
That being said, she has also been becoming quite the pro at smiling...she loves to smile. And talk! Lots of vowel sounds. She is a vocal little parrot. Most of her sounds I can make back right at her, but I can't do the clicky ones.
I'm trying to play lots of different music for her in the hopes that she will retain the ability to speak the languages she hears. What do you all think? Is this even reasonable? :-)

I think tonight I realized that I am, in fact, a mom. We had some friends over to meet their new adorable puppy. And in the course of the evening, the puppy thought the bright pink fuzzy things within jumping range were a toy. In the blink of an eye, he had ripped the sock off Layla's little foot, leaving her first startled, then screaming in shock and pain. Poor little one had a bad scratch and some blood, and the look on her face...oh I felt horrible. Still do. She screamed and screamed...so heart wrenching. I don't want anything bad to happen to her, and it is horrible to watch her be in pain.

Oh baby, I just want you to be happy, to know I love you. I want what's best for you. I love you. It pains me horribly to watch you be in pain, probably much more than it hurts you. And even once you've forgot, my heart still bleeds for you. I wish you could know, I wish I could somehow communicate to you how much I love you. How much I care. You cannot truly understand, but someday--someday, you will know. You are so precious to me. And I love you. Dearest, dearest Layla...you are my child.

Today the little one has a nasty cough...poor baby. Tonight will likely be a long night, as we will have to be on vigilant duty to make sure her air pipes don't get clogged. We want to keep this little one breathing! Right now she's zonked on my lap...what a beautiful, precious little baby she is. So full of life and happiness. Her soft skin is incredible and her hair--well, everyone LOVES her hair. :-) It's her most prominent feature, and it certainly gets prime time comments. Hahaha....
She is wearing a cute summer dress today because, as is typical for Santa Barbara January days, it is a very warm 68 degrees outside.

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"A daughter is a little girl who grows up to be a friend."

I love my little girl. She is so incredibly precious. When she smiles, the whole world melts.

Watching her wake up from a nap is so endearing. Her little arms stretching toward the sky, her face scrunching up, her little body wriggling. Usually it seems as though she cannot decide if she should enter back into the world or continue in dreamland. Her little mouth munching like a chipmunk as she sleeps... :-)

What a dear, beautiful baby.

I cannot wait to hear her laugh. It is amazing to watch her grow and change with every day. What a gift!

I went to the post-partum exercise class at the YMCA today! It felt fantastic. :-) Layla was great, she just chilled on the ground and watched as we mommies did our dance and pilates...

This afternoon I dropped off some of Layla's newborn clothes (which she no longer fits!!) at a Pregnancy Crisis Center here in town. I would like to get more involved with something like that...pregnancy and then parenting can be a really demanding journey, especially without support. And life is so precious...it ought to be supported and nourished.

Happy Twenty-Ten!

Well it's been a while!

We went to San Francisco and back--took a bit longer with an infant than it did pre-baby! But Layla was truly such a fantastic little trooper. :-) We enjoyed the city and welcomed in the New Year up there.

Being back home is wonderful though. Our little munchkin is a munch, munch, munchin' away. Today she weighed 10 lbs 14 oz. She has gained over a pound in 3 weeks. What a chubster. ;-)

Here's a picture from today. :-)