Discouragement

I ought to sleep, but I need to write. Even if no one ever reads this. :-)

Today was a hard day. Hard not so much because of what happened (although that was a bit tough) but more because of the discouragement that accompanied what happened. Oh discouragement. It sucks the life out of you, and then plagues you with thoughts you wish would go away.

My poor baby girl has been sick for the last week. She has a nasty cough that frequently results in vomitting because her little system can't seem to kick the phlem (sp?) out in any other way. It's rough. Every time she starts to cough, I feel myself tense up and want to cry. Please baby, please don't suffer, please don't throw up. I get angry at this cough, at sickness, at germs. It makes me mad. I've never felt such a fierce feeling, such a deep gut-wrenching desire to take her pain and hurt on myself so that she doesn't have to feel it or to go through it. If the cough were an object, I would beat it senseless.

Such a helpless feeling: to watch her cough, to try everything in my power to help her body calm down, to see her look in my eyes pleading as if to say "Mom, please, help me", to be unable to do anything, and then to watch as vomit spews from her mouth, all over me and anything else nearby. oh, it is hard.

And hard not to become discouraged.

This I cling to: God has a plan for her life. He created her, not I. And He loves her more than I. He is holding her more closely than I. Her life is not something I can cling to--it belongs to God. We know that, and we included that in her name. She is consecrated to God, set apart for Him. And though I don't know the future, I have to trust Him and find my hope in Him--not in medicine or in positive thinking, but in God himself.

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.

This verse (from the book of Joshua) is encouraging, because it is not an option. It is a command. And it is reassuring when it comes to finances. The economy is hard these days. It seems that plenty of people want videos, but no one wants to pay for them.