Control

I tend to get irritated with the people closest to me when I feel my sense of control vanishing. Control of my future, control of my life. It is rather disconcerting to feel out of control, and to be unable (or to choose to be unable) to take any steps to regain that control. God wants us to live our lives in dependence and submission to Him, which means that HE is in control and not me. Easy to say, hard to live out.

There are so many things Nathanael and I want to do, yet God seems to just keep us here longer and longer. We want to walk in obedience to God, and we want this more than to do the things we think we want to do. Still, it is a daily struggle to surrender.

Having a baby challenges your sense of control. First the baby takes over your body from the inside, and then once out, does the same thing on the outside! Physically speaking, we're talking about feelings of nausea to kicking to birth to nursing. In addition to that, the baby changes your life: you can't control how long you sleep, when you go out, where you can go, what you can do. Big time loss of control.

And yet, she is beautiful. And I love her. I know she is a gift from God, and I am so so so thankful for her. And hey, I am learning about surrendering my life to God and she is just one more facet of that lesson. So praise God.

Maybe this can be my spiritual discipline for Lent: learning to surrender. Each day, each hour. Each moment as it happens, each thought of the future. Let go of what I think I want or how I want things to turn out. Stop trying to hoard sleep or to control little parts (or big parts) of my life. Just surrender, and use this time to draw closer to God--not so I can manipulate my way for my life, but so I can know Him for who He is.