Love

Watching some video footage of Layla tonight, I am staggered and overwhelmed by the love I have for her. It is SO deep, SO full, so beautiful and good. I mean, honestly, this pride and love wells up in me just watching her drink from her sippy cup so independently! Haha, it sounds ridiculous (I know, it wasn't that long ago I was single and responsibility-less without a kid) but it is true! I am so proud of her for being able to drink water on her own and just for how beautiful she is and how grown-up she's getting. It is profound and gives a whole new level of understanding of the love that parents have for their children. Helps me realize how much my own parents love me and also how much God loves us, that He would call us His children. Amazing.

sunday

buttery sunlight

happy giggles

creamy skin

world of wonder

trying new things

baby aroma, awaken from a nap

shrieks of delight

burrowing in blankets

cuddling on my lap

reading books together

devouring a peach

learning how to tumble

falling asleep

peaceful

at rest

still

sweet happyness

delighting in love

the love of a family

so blessed,

so blessed.

Reconciliation

"This isn't just about winning. It can't be about winning. If we only want to win, then there will always be losers, and how is that so different from the way things were? This has always been about the big picture, about moving on together."

I read this quote in the June 2010 National Geographic article on South Africa. The man who said it is a mediator, a black man who is willing to get dirty and get involved in messy situations and deal with the compications of reconciliation.

It is so true. Whether it be reconciliation between two groups of people (or more) who have had racial hostility for generations or between two individuals who have hurt each other over the years, this remains the same: it cannot be about winning! Winning, or even picking a side, is completely unhelpful AND misses the point. The point is to move on together, to be reconciled, to learn to coexist and maybe even be friends.

Guess what?

When did "we have exciting news" become code for "we're pregnant"? That's what I want to know.

Not that I am negating the exciting-ness of new life and pregnancy. I am not at all intending to do so. But it gets a little old when you say "Guess what?" or "We have exciting news!" and people (random people) jump in "You're pregnant!" um, no. Actually, and thankfully. Not ready for another one just yet.

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Part Two: Updates

Layla is now sleeping through the night! For the past four nights at least. I hate to make it official because that means she will probably wake up multiple times tonight just to prove me wrong.

Layla is also crawling (like real, official crawling) and pulling herself up (although only onto her knees, not feet) and eating real food (her favorites are banana and carrots) and otherwise being her simply delightful self.

She's quite the fun little person. Very determined. When she wants to do something or get something, she is not easily deterred. She doesn't cry or whine when thwarted--instead she reevaluates and figures out how to get it another way. Persistent.

I love this girl.

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Part III: Plans

-Camping this weekend!

-Passport in the mail!

-International flight coming up in four months!!!!!! (that is our exciting news :-) guess where we're going?!)

Birth

My good friend Emily just had her baby boy, Elijah Kai, on Tuesday night! See her beautiful blog here. I am so excited for her--and especially because she was able to do it naturally! Which is really an amazing thing...

Having a natural birth (and by natural, I mean no drugs or synthetic hormones [ie. pitocin] or epidurals) is an incredible experience. I was able to have Layla without the drugs or epidural, and it was unbelievable. So intense but so amazing. It's impossible to describe the surge of emotions right after the baby is finally born. And labor itself is, of course, quite a lot of work! I have never in my life concentrated so hard or been so focused or so immersed in anything or experienced such intensity. But wow, what a payoff--to hold a beautiful brand new life in your arms. What a privilege.

Remembering back, one thing that helped me the most was to match my breath with the strength of each contraction. The stronger the contraction, the stronger I would inhale and exhale. Focusing more on matching its strength than thinking about the pain. That was helpful. And also simply surrendering to the process--to my body, to the sensations/pain. Birth is a sacred, powerful event...for me, it was something that opened my eyes to what Jesus Christ went through in surrendering his body to the will of God.

Here is an entry from my journal shortly after I had Layla:

In preparation for Layla's birth, i did a lot of reading and here's some things i thought were interesting, especially as it pertains to the biblical understanding of birth. First of all, Eve was never cursed. The snake is cursed and the ground is cursed but God never actualy curses adam or eve. Which is interesting and seldom noted by Christians unfortunately. Birth pains are a consequence but not a curse. Secondly, the Hebrew word used in the passage [estev] is the same for both the man and the woman's consequence. For the woman, English translators have termed it "pain" and for the man, they term it "toil". Curious, isn't it? It's the same exact word used, and in fact throughout the bible when this word is used, it is translated "toil" in all circumstances except for regarding women and childbirth. Not sure why translators have decided to do that--it's not exactly fair to the text or to women.

Now having gone through labor and without any pain medication, I will say this: there is an element of pain to be sure but this pain is magnified when resisted and becomes bearable only when accepted and surrendered to. Furthermore, it is the sort of experience or sensation (or toil, really) that involves a complete focus and total engagement with in order to endure and overcome it. And while it is excruciating and unbelievably intense, it is a beautiful thing when it has been accomplished and when it is finished. It is toil, it is labor, it is something that cannot be slept through or done half heartedly but must be met with total attention and will. It is definitely a very real "dying to oneself."

All that said without trying to show a parallel with Jesus Christ and his death, but when I reread it with that in mind, it is really quite amazing. Because that is exactly what He did for us on the cross. He made it possible for us to be born again--through him! Christ births us. And so isn't that incredible? Jesus labored on our behalf and we are born through him. But he is the one who had the complete focus and surrender and submission of his body to endure that process ordained by God in order that we might live. Truly incredible.

Going through labor and birth was an amazing experience for me. Unlike any other, out of this world, opened my eyes to a new reality in many ways. And it truly is different from pain as we understand it and as it occurs in other contexts. It is something wholly other. Not to say it doesn't hurt--oh to be sure it is overwhelming! But it is something amazing because it results in life. Through submission of my will and my body, through accepting the pain and laboring in that process of birth, God brought forth the new life of my daughter. Through Christ’s submission of his will and his body, through accepting the pain and laboring in that process of death, God offers us new life spiritually. In an incredible way, Christ conquered the last enemy (which is death) and is able to offer us life! His death was the necessary process through which we can have life. Christ had to be fully engaged, fully focused on the goal ahead. And when he had accomplished all that needed to be accomplished, He declared "It is finished." And now he has the reward of having children, that joy of having accomplished what He set out to do.

Layla and me just minutes after her birth.

Salt Marsh

Today we went for a walk in the Carpinteria Salt Marshes, a beautiful preserved part of the California coastlands. While on our walk we saw a red fox, mallard ducks, rabbits, and lots of shore birds.

Living here has been so wonderfully peaceful. The culture of this little beach town is so different from Santa Barbara! It is incredibly laid back and relaxed. We are loving it.

Karen Winters' depiction of the Salt Marshes where we were this morning.

Poem

Nathanael was in Sonoma this weekend, shooting a photographer shooting a wedding. We actually do a lot of that--promotional videos for photographers (see www.forphotographers.heschle.com)

Anyways, he brought me home soaps, chocolates, wine, and a poem. Enjoy.

Sonnet XVII by Pablo Neruda
I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
I love you because I know no other way

In which there is no I or you
so intimate that your hand upon my chest is my hand
so intimate that when you fall asleep it is my eyes that close.

Craigslist

I love meeting random people through craigslist! It makes me feel so happy to live in such a nice, trusting town. Today we met 3 different family units through buying furniture off craigslist. Great deals, great people, great day.

One family recognized me from eating at a Thai food place on Milpas a couple weeks ago. They remembered Layla's name because now they're considering that name for their little girl on the way. :-) Another family's home burned down in the Jesusita fire and they're selling the furniture they had bought to use in their rental home while their home was being rebuilt. The third family was just super awesome people who are downsizing to a studio because that's all they can afford in this ridiculously expensive city. A sense of community is so much fun. Meeting people and connecting with them, even though they're strangers. Turns out meeting new people isn't that hard--you just have to get out of your normal social circles. And apparently buying things on craigslist is a good way to do so!

Yay. Sometimes I am just so full of happiness. What a great day.

Embrace your Life

I read a most profound statement over on Bobby Earle's blog today. It hit me in the face, because I totally do this and I need to stop! The last two years have been a gradual learning process to live in the here and now, to stop chasing after elusive "adventure", to stop idolizing travel and its excitements, to embrace and enjoy the life around me that God has blessed me with. I think I am beginning to make this lesson a part of who I am instead of fighting it. And thank you Bobby, because this was exactly what I needed to hear:

"Traveling is awesome if you have the opportunity — but the truth is that the good life is all around us. If you can’t find it at home, you likely won’t find it anywhere ;)"

Control

I tend to get irritated with the people closest to me when I feel my sense of control vanishing. Control of my future, control of my life. It is rather disconcerting to feel out of control, and to be unable (or to choose to be unable) to take any steps to regain that control. God wants us to live our lives in dependence and submission to Him, which means that HE is in control and not me. Easy to say, hard to live out.

There are so many things Nathanael and I want to do, yet God seems to just keep us here longer and longer. We want to walk in obedience to God, and we want this more than to do the things we think we want to do. Still, it is a daily struggle to surrender.

Having a baby challenges your sense of control. First the baby takes over your body from the inside, and then once out, does the same thing on the outside! Physically speaking, we're talking about feelings of nausea to kicking to birth to nursing. In addition to that, the baby changes your life: you can't control how long you sleep, when you go out, where you can go, what you can do. Big time loss of control.

And yet, she is beautiful. And I love her. I know she is a gift from God, and I am so so so thankful for her. And hey, I am learning about surrendering my life to God and she is just one more facet of that lesson. So praise God.

Maybe this can be my spiritual discipline for Lent: learning to surrender. Each day, each hour. Each moment as it happens, each thought of the future. Let go of what I think I want or how I want things to turn out. Stop trying to hoard sleep or to control little parts (or big parts) of my life. Just surrender, and use this time to draw closer to God--not so I can manipulate my way for my life, but so I can know Him for who He is.

Prayer of Abandonment

I stumbled across this prayer coincidentally and could not believe how well it captured my own sentiments. Written by Thomas Merton, here it is:

My Lord God,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.

Nor do I really know myself,
and that I think I am following your will
does not mean I am actually doing so.

But I believe the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all I am doing.

I hope I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know if I do this
you will lead me by the right road
though I may know nothing about it.

I will trust you always
though I may seem to be lost
and in the shadow of death.

I will not fear,
for you will never leave me
to face my perils alone.

God does not exist to do things for me.

And prayer is not a magic genie.

I can be in relationship with Him, I can present my requests to Him, but ultimately it is up to God how to answer. He will do what is best, and He determines what is best.

I need to stop trying to push my own agenda or how I want things to be, and to accept what God has and to follow Him.

Unselfishness vs. Selflessness

Today I am contemplating the difference between unselfishness and selflessness. One is proactive and the other is reactive. Being unselfish involves me initially being selfish and then trying to tell myself "no, don't think that, don't be that way." Like when my baby girl keeps waking me up through the night because she's having a hard time breathing because of her congested nose and throat, and I am just wanting to sleep but then I tell myself "it's more important to make sure she can breathe, stop being so selfish!" And then I start getting grumpy because all I really want is to sleep and so I get annoyed with whatever is standing in my way. Because I'm being selfish, and then feeling guilty about it, and then trying to be unselfish. But my heart isn't in it at all. My heart is looking out for myself.

Selflessness is when my heart is wanting what's best for someone else. And if I "suffer" as a result, it doesn't matter as long as the other person is better off. And so I am happy to be awake in the middle of the night to make sure my daughter can breathe, even if it means I am significantly sleep deprived and exhausted. And that I will continue to be kind to those around me, because it is not their fault I am tired and I should not take it out on them.

Those are my musings for the day.

oak

source

Look at the oak tree on this hill. See how beautiful it is? And yet it never toils or frets or labors for its beautiful clothing, even though it is here today and gone tomorrow. You are much more valuable than a tree. How much more will God clothe you? You have such little faith.

Do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will take care of itself. Each day has enough troubles of its own.